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[Hot] Looking for love partner 2025 - franklinkelsey5 - 09-08-2025
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Article:
They are wrong. Suitability, not perfection, is the name of the romantic game. The Best Path to Finding the Partner Who's Right for You.
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People sometimes think that by finding the perfect person, they will find their perfect partner. They are wrong. In my new book, The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change over Time (2019), I argue that suitability, not perfection, is the name of the romantic game. Interestingly, two imperfect people can form a perfect romantic relationship. The suitability and nonrelational scales. “When I love, I do it without counting. I give myself entirely. And each time, it is the grand love of my life.” —Brigitte Bardot. There are two scales with which to assess romantic value: the nonrelational scale (which is a general measure of people) and the relational scale of suitability (which measures a unique connection). The nonrelational scale measures the value of traits as they stand on their own (think a sense of humor, wealth, etc.). This sort of measure has two advantages: It is easy to use, and most people would agree about the assessments. The suitability scale is much more complex since it depends on personal and environmental factors about which we do not have full knowledge. Let’s think for a moment about assessing the relational suitability value in long-term relationships. Should you marry a smart person? Generally speaking, intelligence is considered good—but here is where things get more complicated. If there is a big gap between the IQ of the two partners, their suitability value will be low, as matching in nonrelational value is more significant here. This goes way beyond intelligence, though. The same goes for wealth. On the nonrelational scale, a lot of money is often good, but a wealthy person might score low on fidelity, as fat bank accounts open many romantic doors. Moreover, wealthy people tend to believe that they are more deserving, and hence their caring behavior might be lower. In the same vein, having a good sexual appetite is usually good, but a large discrepancy between the partners’ sexual needs is not conducive to that crucial romantic connection. If, for instance, a man wants to have sex once or twice a week and a woman wishes to have sex multiple times a day, would they be suitable partners? If all the positives on someone’s nonrelational scale are reduced by aspects on the relational scale, this is likely to bode ill for the individual’s personal flourishing. Even if both partners score high on the nonrelational scale but they are not able to bring out the best in each other, then their value on the relational scale will be low. Predicting romantic value. “To keep a marriage, the husband should have a night out with the boys and the wife should have a night out with the boys, too.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor. As it turns out, we can tell precious little about how someone will be as a partner by knowing how he or she rates as a person. It is far from obvious that the higher your partner is on the nonrelational scale, the better the connection between you will be. In this context, the following friendly interchange comes to mind. Woman: “Why is it that the people I fall in love with are never interested in me, whereas the ones who do fall in love with me are never the ones I care about?” Coworker: “You’re an 8 constantly chasing after 10s, and constantly being chased by 6s” (Frank, 2006). Why Relationships Matter Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test Find a therapist to strengthen relationships. Romantic love takes all traits into full account. Since love includes the wish to be together with each other for a long time, we should try to transform the pleasant interest that is evoked by attraction into something more profound than can be maintained in the long term. The relational suitability scale can be of service here. It measures suitability to an actual person, not to people in general. This scale analyzes the general overall romantic value in terms of a specific partner. At the initial stage of romantic relationships, suitability is not such a big deal. After all, information about long-term profound suitability is not yet available. Such information comes from interactions between the two partners, as a loving attitude becomes more knowledge-based. As time goes by, the issue of suitability gains greater importance, and the gap between the two scales could grow. We update and refine the two scales over time. With time, changes in each scale relate mainly to the weight given to each trait, and to a lesser extent to the score of that trait on each scale. A woman whose spouse is not particularly sensitive might say that, over time, his lack of sensitivity disturbs her less (she assigns it less weight), since she finds that his other traits compensate for it. However, she might also say that he seems to her a little bit more sensitive than she initially thought. Scholars call this “trait adaptation.” In hedonic adaptation, something beautiful or ugly becomes less so with time. In trait adaptation, some of the partner’s characteristics, which were initially seen as very positive or very negative, come to be evaluated more moderately. Romantic breakups are often traceable to traits that have a low score on the suitability scale that become more evident with time rather than to traits that have a low score on the nonrelational scale to which people may adapt. These two scales raise interesting issues about the nature of long-term romantic love. One of these is the possibility of predicting the success of love.